2-19-09

you move with the sun

voluntary blindness
self-distraction
feigned indifference
discuss nothing reveal nothing

just keep repeating
don't get attached
don't get attached
don't get attached
don't-

fuck.


7-30-08

ulterior proprioceptive allegory

misanthropic philantropy prolongs without providing
mob mentality mastication mars objectivity
parallel pseudonumity prevents nothing
facetiously formulaic in function


7-24-08

from this angle

this is so foreign
this is so comfortable
draining light
you are perfection
arms outstretched
I am your shield
fingers tangle and
we find each other again

it's only for the moment
draining light
pulls us back from us
back to routine
back to normal
back to nothing


7-18-08

professional equivocation

and this stoicism lingers on
once can ruin everything you have
second chances are validations


7-17-08

the shortest distance

the hypocritical evangelist
preaching what he can't practice
it only takes a temporary lapse
there is no time there is no space
everything that has happened is happening and will happen
you cannot go back and you cannot go forward
there is only the now


7-10-08

the slightest illustrative concept

even though I shouldn't, I do
even though I can, I don't
even though I know, I deny

even though I shouldn't, I do


7-08-08

this is your truth

we are the consensus of others
walking dissimilates
ego-centric self-defense facades

we are the conscription of others
prescribed guilt fuels the machine
clockwork cyclical fear-mongering

we are the consumption of others
the end with invisible means
values substituted for (blood) materialism

we are the confinement of others
fitting lives into packaging
with artificial expiration dates


7-16-08

reactionary enlightenment

need to find a way back
this has brought me lower than I thought possible
every day a fading reminder
looking for answers elsewhere has proven fatal
this is all a waste. this is not me.
everything makes sense now, every question of existence is rooted in this
we've had our chances and made our choices
if only we'd listen to ourselves


5-08-08

the opposite of

denial of self trapped within commodity
a sickle-cell investment history
catering to the bulimic beauty
every morbid gain a moment of depreciation

you will have none of this and you could care less


5-1-08

cyclical acceptance

that half-awake dreaming state (oscillating ambience close by)
reminded of a story I wanted to tell him, something he'd laugh at
shake my head awake, going to tell him before I forget

realize without moving that he's gone
something breaks and I slip a little lower
it's the perfect day and he'll never see it


4-22-08

20/20

autoperforation of self
an adhd self-effacement
with knee-jerk skepticism
                (burn victim autopsy)
a substitute philosophy
bleeding-heart stoics
crusading against the Other
cover your right eye
and read the first line


4-13-08

tolerance level

no substance can change this
everyone uses something
what do you hide behind?
where's your crutch?
once it's over
you can never go back
even if you wanted to
nothing changes anything


4-6-08

shedding

some things shouldn’t be let go
seconds months years too late
destroyed all the chances given me
that day we were different people
that night I was already gone
see what we want to see
hear what we want to hear
we build each other into effigies
imitations of the ideal

what do you settle for?


3-20-08

but then it always was

fluorescent lighting showing sunken face
squinting eyes shielding meaningless sun
feeling walls in the dark for doors

go to the house on camino del sol
don’t go to the house on camino del sol

sunlight. muted scenery. blurs of pastel people swimming through each other. then you’re there, close enough to breathe. lips curled into a smile you speak, or I do.
i’ve missed you
eyes blinding. myself in the third person, drifting slowly. holding each other I speak, or you do.
this is strange
hypothetical. aimed at no one. the way you used to. my smile falters only in my eyes, but you see it. you fill in the silence.
what? what is it?
edges creeping in. scenery gone. sunlight fading to wooden walls.
I’ve. don’t. no. no please

awake.


3-2-08

scientific names

want to tear things apart with fingers
thrown across the room
kicked into the wall

i will tear this place down and you will not stop me


3-1-08

nothing new

harboring no illusions
we run from ourselves
falling through the floor
we drown in absolutes
with loved ones at the shore
seeing us off
confusing cries for laughter


2-26-08

self-preservation

refusal to see your only icon struck down
in his time of vulnerability and (needless) shame
misconstrued and accused as self-interest
incapable of individuality she's surrounded by herself


exemplified

none of you deserve any of this
veneered smiles framed with botox lips
reflect your life upon his
tell your lies embellish your stories
this is not about you


1-8-08

apply pressure here

hemorrhaging thoughts ideas ideals principles people rationalizations relationships

                                                                        everything would be ok if I could just stop the bleeding


1-4-08

the hell of standing still

there is nothing behind my eyes and nothing behind your faces
empathy is not meaning
monotony is not security
everything is moving and nothing is silent
a copy-paste type O positive personality
stand still enough and let your shadow hide in mine


9-19-07

the division and the distance

"in writing, the point is not to manifest or exalt the act of writing, nor is it to pin a subject within language; it is rather a question of creating a space into which the writing subject constantly disappears."

"the work, which once had the duty of providing immortality, now possesses the right to kill, to be its author's murderer."

"what does it matter who is speaking?"

-foucault


8-19-07

morals, ethics, and other fallacies

on morals:
what is "right" vs. what is "not currently socially acceptable"

on ethics:
instincts have been sublimated into carpal tunnel

on norms:
it's ok. I didn't want to experience anything new, either

on deserving:
nobody does

on ubiquity:
if only


7-18-07

automatic updates

I feel like I'm 20 years older than I really am

pointless to sleep

pointless to wake up

everything is a disappointment and you are my validity


6-26-07

how very fair of you

where were you when the situation was reversed
I guess that makes us even, now
there is always something left to lose


5-22-07

I wish I came up with this

"Throw yourself into this entirely.

Find what you love and let it kill you."

-from the FAQ on cdbaby.com


3-13-07

collection

no one lives up to their own ideologies

like cleaning out a dead man's house
handing out memories, oblivious
I claim this I claim that that's mine
you were all waiting for this

delusion
one deed reverses another
realization
nothing erases anything

the phrases we grew up thinking meant everything mean nothing
every statement is a hollow imitation of an idea which we know nothing of
nothing is untouchable and everything is a lie


2-3-07

if concepts such as "deserve" existed:

some day your flimsy little world will come crashing down around you.
and I hope you feel every last second of it
and realize everything


everything.


2-2-07

the inevitability of relevance and its consequences

laughingatthelossofeverythingbecauseitkeepsyoufromcryinguntilyoulookdownlookdownoxygenintrinsictothisstartingagainneverstoppedcovereverythingseenothinglooknowhereexpectnothinggetnothing

but my life is not that bad.


1-30-07

impressionist

act a certain way long enough
and people expect the same
follow advice (directions)
give thanks (appeasement)
change for the better (lie)
you want optimism
yet are used to depression
this is just a show
we don't take requests


1-18-07

been meaning to

(from december 7th)

and you walk around and try to look into the faces
that quickly look away rather than meet your eyes
everyone knows it and no one knows it
Buy. Sell. Trade.
anything but happiness.
anything but meaning.

nothing is loud enough


1-17-07

complex. or not.

everyone wants to have their cake
and eat it too

everyone

I just want something new


1-10-07

this is all I want

everything
and
nothing


12-26-06

ends up being
next time, go with gut instinct


12-21-06

relativity, loss, "fairness"
it's all a matter of values
whose life is more valuable? whose more meaningful?
you choose your own you choose hers you choose his
any choice results in loss
oblivious you think of no one
hypocrisy equals wisdom when it's you doing the thinking


12-8-06

what is the cost of your happiness? I am.
nobody takes the time
to learn anything
there is no motivation
except selfishness
regurgitate movie lines
to make your life a movie
with its happy ending
(which you give out like candy)
you lost everyone
the instant you sold yourself short
I'm so great
so much better than all the others
and so were you


12-1-06

"What hurts more than losing you...is knowing you're not fighting to keep me."

I'm not sure whether to feel entirely overlooked, angry, or just...
This time last year...no. Will not fall back into that.
History is repeating itself, but not on a whole. Seems I only get the shit end of everything this time around.

This is for you.
You are so mature. You've progressed so much further than the rest of us. You stand by every statement you've ever made.

This is for you.
There are not words enough to convey what this has been like. I've been completely honest, left nothing out, and still you take away what you're willing to hear and no more. And in the end you were worth none of it.

This is for you.
The only part you play in my life is one to be wary of. 

This is for you.
You toss out tidbits as if you expect me to string myself along (and I have). I lay everything out before you, and you pretend not to hear. Despite everything some part of me still hangs on, though, and this is all the optimism I have left.

What's the use of talking if you don't say anything?


11-18-06

you

layman
a person who is a nonprofessional
who sees the world around them
and thinks nothing of it
who reads other peoples' lives
like editorials
and might think
"how inane"
lacking sense, significance, or ideas; silly
before moving on
to their standby
their The Party Was Ridiculous's
their We Won the Game's
their Life is Great's
everyone wants the good guy to win
the plane to land
the girl to stay
then the bad guy wins
the plane crashes
the girl leaves
and everyone boos
critics give a satisfactory grade
Girls' Nights are ruined
ticket sales plunge
while reality ticks by
killing thousands
breaking hearts
destroying lives
and you leave the theater and remark
"Now I want to rent a comedy."


11-04-06

a new instrument

a new outlet
something based on resistance
and letting go would = full
where you strain to hold on
and the longer you fight it
the harder it gets
so that your handmouthneckchestBODY
                                                                                    bleeds.

and the blood mixed with the sound
and no longer could anyone deny anything


11-02-06

old

i keep going out of habit
there is nothing out there for me
your world with its pixel people
grouped into herds by beauty
please someone prove me wrong
but this time
this time mean what you say
don't coddle me out of pity
friends don't let friends
is just a budweiser ad
home is where the heart is
is printed on pillows
i fall within acceptable losses
a write-off of depreciation
my debt is your salary
your selfish charity is obvious
merely a name in your book
a non-existent picture
with a faked smile
have you ever
covered up everything
but the eyes?


10-31-06

decibel

I want to scream into your eyes
deafen your sight
hold you so you can't look away

I want to tear apart my throat
pour myself out
so you can read what I can't speak

I want to be your last step
instead of your first
your end
rather than
your means


10-25-06

part 2

context and relevance

are these good or bad terms?

has "enough time passed" to change anything?

or do you lie yourself to sleep at night?


an apology of sorts

I'm sorry I'm not happy enough for you

since that is all that matters

am I bringing you down? have I ruined your day?

how rude of me.

remind me again how to act when this is reversed

oh, wait

that might ruin my coffee optimism

justdealwithitmoveonthingswillgetbetter(still?)

meaning

significance

don't even try


10-16-06

"then I will never again"

don't ever say you will not do something conditional and when the condition arises not abide by your own statement


10-12-06

the type of person who

why do I continually fall in love with women who "love" everyone

would really like to know


10-7-06

not recent but always relevant

We are the children of children; not knowing what to tell us, they regurgitate the hollow fallacies that were spoon-fed to them by their radiation democracy parents.
The answers must come from the sky, since death arrived correspondingly.


10-4-06

with every reason

nothing is worse than unequal love

I gave everything and you wanted nothing

or so you said

I was afraid of who I was and you said you loved all of me

or so you said

you have ruined me more than I thought possible

just fucking leave me here

like you promised not to do

after everything despite everything

I misshatelove you more than ever


or not

seeing and ignoring

hearing without listening

promising without meaning

assuming without asking

these are a few of my favorite things


9-30-06

you pick and choose

people can be heartless bastards. I am not excluding myself from this statement.

is it too much to ask for people to take responsibility? to stop assuming anything? to stop being afraid? to just say what they mean up front?

said it before, and it's more relevant now than ever: say what you mean. mean what you say.

but I guess that would be too easy.


9-19-06

language failure

for all my depressing rants

for all my songs

for all my "training"

I can't convey what I fully mean to anybody


9-5-06

help me

i am not doing so well lately. i am not as strong as i have lead people to believe.

i have never felt anything like this before. nothing compares to this.

i keep thinking that i've come so far in the last couple months...but i haven't. distraction is not a solution. and reciprocation is not a reason.

my god, i have no idea what i'm supposed to do


9-3-06

vent

something about today made it the worst in recent memory

even people at work who semi-know me commented on me being "out of it"

so I went home early. then just fucking lost it. for a good hour or so

and then practice was just the perfect end to a perfect day

if there is any truth to waking up on the prodigal wrong side of the bed, it was today

I have no time for myself. I am not doing what I want to be doing

I am not who I want to be


8-24-06

quarterly losses

nothing of value is without sacrifice


8-16-06

diminishing returns

value is based upon rarity


8-10-06

insert knife here. twist as indicated.

like standing alone in the desert

bloodied and starving

staring with dissolving eyes

crusted tears lining jaw

he'll remain here forever

waiting for rain that never comes


8-9-06

something's wrong

I shouldn't feel this way.

I told myself I wouldn't.

What have I done?


8-7-06

hilarious

...in that disgusting kind of way. A few things, which should be obvious yet I feel need to be stated anyway:

"It's not you, it's me" should always be translated as, "It's not me, it's you." I am guilty of using this one in the past (thankfully only once, before I admitted to myself what a load of shit it was), and have decided to never use it again.

Language. This isn't much of a subject change, more of a broad statement, really. I had a speech class professor once, who happened to be the best teacher I've ever had. Among his countless words of wisdom was this advice: "You have no control over other people's (re)actions, only over your own conscious acts. Since the majority of people form opinions based on what other people say, what you say should be something you think about very carefully before doing."

Every word you say should be meant to the fullest. If you don't fully mean what the word means, don't say it. If it's a temporally null concept (meaning restrictions/limits of time don't apply to it, for you laymen. And no, I'm not going to define what "laymen" means) such as, oh, I don't know, love or hate (to choose two at random), then the statement of either emotion should be considered highly before spoken, as the listener must be assumed to know the full meaning of either word and will base their (re)actions upon them accordingly.   

So why not apply this to everyday life? How many people would be happier? Fucking tons. Can you even imagine that? Everyone meaning everything they said. All the time. Granted, there would be a lot less talking, but if you heard somebody speak you'd know it was worth listening to. Might be kinda nice.

So I've started it on my own. Not recently, really, but in the not-too-distant past. You'd think that my life would be much more fulfilling and my relationships with people would be absolutely amazing. And they would be. There's just one problem: No one else is doing what I'm doing. At least, nobody I've met so far. Where I mean every word I say (whether positively or negatively), other people twist words to mean what they do not, state things in such a way as to mislead you from the truth, leave out key words and don't consider it "lying," and/or generally just lie to your face.

If this sounds too analytical for your taste, think about what you've just read. What kind of person would you rather be?


8-4-06

a solution

Just don't look behind you.


Ever.


7-29-06

she found a lonely sound

I've found myself listening to Interpol, of all things. Or, at least, trying to.

Why is it that some songs can knock you back to where nothing else could take you?

The best songs are the ones which everyone can relate to in some way.

The worst songs are the ones which everyone can relate to in some way.

I have this strong feeling that no one understands me. That everything I've ever done has been a waste. That I'm stuck where I am. That nothing I do is getting me anywhere.

Nobody cares enough.


7-18-06

damn you, pink floyd

I

have become

comfortably numb


7-10-06

nevermind

I'm running in place. Looking over my shoulder to see if I'm still in the race.

Maybe it's time I stopped running.


7-7-06

don't you love it

when people don't have the decency to tell you what's really going on

when people don't have the decency to tell you the whole truth

or they tell you half-truths

or because you didn't "word the question correctly," they don't "word the answer correctly"

or they just don't fucking tell you anything at all and let you find out on your own


7-5-06

it's latin for "to covet"

Came across an old email I wrote that felt like being stabbed in the heart.

At first I laughed, then...

A part of me wonders, "will this ever stop?"

And the rest of me wonders why I'm crying.

How am I supposed to just "move on?" How is anyone who has given all of themselves supposed to turn around and start over with someone else like nothing happened? Or do anything with anyone else? Doesn't anyone care?


7-1-06

temporary

When something goes from "is" to "was," from "forever" to "right now," from "always" to "at the time," from "never" to "possible," from "love" to "loved," from "need" to "needed," and on and on and on and on and

All I want is meaning and honesty. Honesty and meaning. Meaningful honesty. SOMETHING.


6-25-06

hypocrite

I am a hypocrite.

I do what I hate people for doing.

I think people would be better off having never met me.

Don't write this off as low self-esteem, or self-worth. I cannot feel good about myself after having done horrible things to good people.

A friend told me, "all we can do is learn from our mistakes." I'm trying. And I've been trying for years. And nothing has changed.

I am a hypocrite.


6-20-06

the one

if "at the time" was the case

then you should've said that

at the time

instead of promising anything


6-12-06

lament

how many have you done this to
devastation to find "the one"
according to your own beliefs
this will come back to you

so while you go on killing
I go on laughing
knowing the reward
given hypocrites
will shatter your
hollow resolve
into shards of regret
fake this life
while you can


6-11-06

what you make of it

this surgery has been by the book

sycophantic bloodletter

have you filled your quota

have you soaked up enough of me

have you had your fill

take this emptiness and file it away

you "knew" before I heard you

there's been a slight complication

you left a scalpel inside


5-??-06 and 6-11-06

realization

sitting here waiting for something
destroying what's left of nothing
because it seems it's the same
thing you want out of me

the hope still clings on
I'm reduced to a pawn
taking what you leave me
as you try to forget me

all these days and these months
and these nights and these moments
only add up to what you let them
"at the time" I know you meant it

yet I mean all I said and I
will until you look away
even then I can't stop
from loving what I see

but now I know why
was right all along
after you dared to get angry
for me guessing the truth

but wishing you ill-will
and hating who you became (or always were?)
isn't "fair" of me
so I'll leave you two alone
and hopefully one day
he does the same thing to you


6-10-06

Many ideas only work as ideas. When put into practice, these ideas never work in the real world. But go on, be idealistic. Quote your damn latin (as if the "oldness" of the language makes the statement any more truthful). Quip one-liners to your friends to make yourself seem more intelligent. And no, life working 9-5 paying bills worrying about benefits and your future and those who you love and who love you isn't "fun," but when life comes crashing down around you, I guarantee no fucking pop-culture quote is going to save you.


6-07-06

invalidated

cycling through so many emotions in such a short time that it's impossible to decide which one I should believe in which one is right which one matters and I guess I'm ok I'm holding up I'm distracting I'm distraction I'm drinking I'm dying I'm living I'm lying no this isn't anything this isn't what I feel this isn't what I think what I think doesn't matter what I feel doesn't matter what I know is a lie this isn't you this isn't me can't be me can't be you can't be us please let it be me


6-??-06

all well and good

oh, it's all well and good
he's out of the picture
time to enjoy what you have
forget the love you professed
it's all well and good
once you're free of love
free to do anything
and everything
by yourself, or
with some cute new thing
who you haven't had to
promise to
haven't said you
loved
haven't wanted to lie to (yet)
but have
flirted with
kissed with
...and yes I count that too


5-??-06

contradictory

let's go rip some hearts
leave them behind bleeding
while we go on drinking
from coffee mugs and smirnoffs
with "friends" who happen
to kiss us because that's
what friends do apparently
there's no caring
there's no loving
there's "you're available,
and don't know any better"
and we can't go back because
those we've left have found out
and we don't know what to say because
we don't know when we're lying
and when we do
we've forgotten what we had
traded it away for NYC
*he*, not *this*
is what's "for the best"
but we can never tell
those we've destroyed
that would just be mean


5-16-06

destroyed


6-22-04

i was

I would be there once again
We'd sit watching among the dark
You'd look into me like so many times
I never could hide (as if I wanted to)

Morning light shows me your face
Already staring at mine, waiting
I could never sleep, those nights
Conscious of your warmth flowing over me

So long ago, no way back now
I've let you slip away one too many times
You've moved on, I've walked in place
And made more mistakes than ever

Life made sense, even with the pain
You were there to save me from it all
But, even with you, I had it all wrong:
"I am not what is going to make your life better."

Oh.
Then...what is?


3-??-05

pretense

why do I bother
like you notice anyway
say what you mean
mean what you say
obviously your definition
doesn't match with mine

so wrapped up
in your sinking ship life
you don't notice...

promises are dangerous
and rarely ever kept
so for all it's worth
promise like you'll keep it


2-3-05

tasting colors

my eyes have run for miles
my legs have seen abyssal summers
my ears have felt meaningless embraces
my skin has heard your lies


11-03-04

decision

This turned out like
I knew it would
This isn't progress
This is regression
I'm unnecessary
And replaced

I aimed behind the eyes
and you stopped
at the skin

Don't let me
Hear myself say
These words
Don't let me
Hear what you
Aren't saying


10-25-04

energy

we join
like electricity
it’s like
you never
and
I never
and
we never

then

slice us in two, you
cut me in two, you
can’t see the things
you do, you
never fight for me


6-3-04

aftermath

My eyes are burning
Reminders of your passing
"It's not like I'm dead"
Well it is to me
And you'd have it
No other way

How do we start over
It's obvious I don't matter
Everything and everyday
Was all just lies anyway

I can only endure so much
The weight of nothingness
Growing as we speak

To say I don't care
would be like saying you do


6-1-04

untitled

Stretching outward
Until I can't see myself
Maybe this is easier
Unfocused at last
So many things
To think about
If I look away
I will diffuse

And there's nothing keeping me here


5-31-04

drink to end

Here's where it all ends
The smiles,
the laughing,
the sun
Go ahead, try to fix things
Act like you care about me
Oh, wait
I have us confused
I'm left standing here
Wanting the piece of me back
That I gave and you took so freely
The days drag on
I'm comfortably out of your mind
And to you I never existed
So maybe I'll make it easier for you
You drink to forget
I'll drink to end


5-??-04

used to being used

You make that face
And I’m yours again
Playing the fool
For the eighth time
I’ll bring myself down
If you don’t beat me to it

I’ve waited this long
You lied, what a surprise
I shouldn’t expect more
When I’ve done the same

I’m used
To being used
I kid myself
Into this


4-??-04

ebitda

You aren’t a name
You’re a number
Expendable
Invisible
Ones and zeros
All adding up to death
Trained, conditioned
Into acceptance
Even contentment (optimism)
You work
To work
To work


4-??-04

trophy

Run
Run far away from me
I am not
What you expected
Nor will I ever be
Your expectations were
Always too fucking high
Convince me of my worth
To keep your pride in line


3-17-04

fine

Silence is a virtue
Unless of course it's you
Your reticence downplays all
Everything we go through

The other hand holds a bluff
Excuses are never enough
Shift the focus
Shift the blame
Am I mistaken
Or are you not the same

Say those words again and it's over


3-??-04

the 5th

Your example is yourself
So it’s no surprise
No guidance
No limitations

This should be obvious

Learn from (your) mistakes
Don’t take pride in them
I’ve learned the hard way
And not repeated myself
(At least, not by choice)

if only you’d understand
I would still only be…


3-??-04

apology

Sorry, you just missed it
I could’ve waited, but
You just weren’t
Worth it
How does it feel
On the downside of
Forbearance
I sympathize
But only to a point
And even then I don’t
Know who I’m lying to
More
We all lie to ourselves
…some more than others
Just wait you say to me
This isn’t what it seems
(And) you stay in place
Or so it seems (what does it mean)
You tear/rip me apart
With these things
That you’ve done to me
I see you now
And it’s all I can do
To not laugh


3-??-04

axiom of insecurity

There is no way to feel
Better than you let me
I’ll bend you to my will
Then deny it all
To be in keeping
With expectations
I can always fail
To stop trying
To fail


3-??-04

parallel altruism

You hate what we’ve become
Well
I hate to say I knew
It would be this way

You know this song’s about you
…don’t you?

You tell me we always fight
I feign surprise
But it’s par for the course

I’ll blame you
And hate you
And never speak to you again
But it’s all on me


??-??-03

past tense

Maybe this time
You’ll be mine
No need to lie like before
Because I’m not alone anymore

Maybe this time
I’ll be alright
Lost in your eyes
Lost in time

Maybe this time
You'll let me hide
I'll get some kind of reprieve
As long as you don't leave

Maybe this time
I'll be a different me
I'd take your hand
Together we'd stand


12-19-03

sycophant

Move on, you say
The past is meant to teach
But you have no idea
How many I’ve ruined
Not one has escaped;
I’ve gotten to them all
There’s no one I can look to
And say, “I’ve done right by you”

So I play your game
I put on this face, this laugh
But I’ll never escape my past
And I don’t deserve to
So don’t pity me
But hate me if you must
And believe me when I say
You’re better off without me


5-17-03

solution

And I'd love to think
That you'd be there
Someday

But you won't
Now I am done
Waiting

Clarity at last
I thank you
For the chance

It's my turn now
To grow
To escape

But who am I kidding?
I was whole
With you, once

Doesn't matter now
I needed you
More than ever

Not as a solution
As a partner
A love

But I am unworthy of you
No matter what I do
It seems now it's decided for me
That this was not meant to be


12-14-02

reminder

Useless
Fucking useless
Even more so
Than I care
To admit

This was
All it took

Reminder

This is
Your chance
Gloat all
You want
While you

Can


11-02-02

stretch

That was it
The last thing
Now I’m at zero
With infinity before me

Once again
I’ve stretched myself
Too thin
Now that I’m here
I’m not sure where
To begin
Or where it ends

Reason never seems
To sleep as often
As it dreams


10-22-02

decency

“Figured I’d let you know…
Since you already do
Sorry you didn’t hear it from me…
But this should be good enough for you”

Since then I’ve been here
Waiting the whole time
Telling myself to forget
But now
I thank you for telling me
Now I can go on dying

Am I in error?
Did I miss your point?
That was it, right?

If this is decency
I don’t want to know
What cruelty is


10-8-02

expectation

Is this the way
It’s supposed to be?
What I was expecting
Always seemed better than this

And now the truth comes out
No one lies anymore
At least those who can see
Letting go doesn’t seem so easy
When you don’t have time for it

Corporate thinking has its hooks in
And it’s slowly pulling
Leaving the only things
To hold on to
My lack of beliefs

Pull me out
The blood stains
Too quickly
I’ve gnashed my
Teeth again

Wait, don’t tell me
This is the part
Where I’m supposed to feel sorry
For all you idiots
Who blindly take
Yet give with predilection


??-??-01

falling off

tomorrow is my penance
for what’s been done today
allegations don’t exist
there’s nothing left to say

pulled back from the edge
before I could fall off
such an easy solution
for everything lost

but maybe he’ll get better
maybe he’ll get well
you shouldn’t try to gauge
another’s personal hell


8-9-01

bridge

you can’t see them from here
they’re too scared to come near
held back by clutching hands
on deaf ears fall their demands

to span the gap is to give in
releasing all that is within
showing all that they contain
the beating heart controls the vein

there’s no compassion in this game
when there are those without a name
there’s solace behind closed doors
bound gagged and struck down to the floor

there is no way to justify
all of the pain and all the lies
apologetic hypocrite
don’t move aside just take the hit


8-5-01

monologue

and then they came
right through me
those without names
from what i could see

so strange to hear
so distant yet....
i heard it all
and i knew fear

through the sound
beneath the layers
came to be found
these grisly players

if all the world’s a stage
and we merely pawns
what’s to stop the rabble
from bringing the new dawn


7-15-01

a father's pride

never there before
always far away
i can’t take much more
i don’t know the way
if maybe you were here
then maybe i could hide
i could shield myself
with my father’s pride

but you
have never been here
can’t wait
around for you
if i stay/scream
will my voice be heard
above
all the rest
i won’t know
until you tell me
why
this seemed best

no one here with me
to help me thru
i’m always alone
because of you


7-27-01

untitled

you don’t need this tonite
everything could be alright
just looking at your face
i’m lost in your embrace

as i turned to leave
nothing could make me believe
that life went on outside
where there’s no place to hide

you knew me then
and you know me now
but i’m always so scared
you won’t like what’s found

doesn’t matter what happens
i’ll always be here with you
because this is more than worth
all we’ve gone through


4-17-01

the method

so just drag me across the nails
(not like i haven’t been before)
i can take the pain, it heals
(yet i wonder how much more)

look at him, they say
(like they always do)
he always acts this way
(never seen what I’ve gone thru)

draw back farther, head down
(there‘s always a place)
went too far, hit the ground
(no one there, not one face)

this part of me can’t hide
won’t always be denied
if you want beneath my skin
this is what you’re getting in

there’ll be no reprise
(did you think there would?)
by telling more lies
(this is for your own good)


now

so it sounds selfish, thinking of only me
all i’m doing is realizing what could be
this is not greed, this is not lust
why’s it so wrong to think of only us?

when balancing the good and the bad
can’t base anything on what we “might’ve had”
everything is in the here, the now
it would all be so easy, if I knew how

wait for better days
stay within this haze
think of other ways
lose yourself in this maze

but wait, i have it easy, i know that’s true
and i’m making it so unfair to you
i can see your point, i don’t know why
i ever thought this would be so cut and dry

it takes all the patience i’ve got
to not always burn with one thought
wishing i was there, or you were here
giving anything just to have you near


4-16-01

for a stepfather

found the pain today
surfaced thru the gray
try this on for size
this is my demise

what you don’t see
is what controls me
what you don’t hear
breaks me with fear

and then you decide
to fuck up my life
I won’t let you win
see what dwells within

what you don’t see
is what sets me free
what you don’t know
is how far I’ll go

never asked me why
no, I won’t deny
your one-sided view
shows it perfectly
...for you


4-12-01

the wait

and i found out that day
there could be no other way
threw restrictions aside
it had to be tried

pushed away in the past
let through in contrast

in that one perfect moment
i knew it was not in vain
they try to control my movement
seeking to stop any gain

and so it seems it’s not right
to think of only me
can’t ruin other’s lives
just to find destiny

but then I sit and cry
wondering why in my mind
it has to be this way
waiting another day


2-??-01

love sonnet

Unlike we are of mind and of the soul
To think I let you pass these walls of mine
The pain and torture has taken its toll
Our fates, they were not meant to intertwine

You asked what I felt but did not listen
I tried my best not to see all the lies
The light of your eyes, not once did glisten
Your true intent hidden behind your guise

I tried in vain to salvage what was left
The warmth of your fake tears upon my face
The only way out, to be left bereft
No longer will I withstand your embrace

And now that you come crawling back for more
I shall not forget, ‘twas you I abhor